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bursten:

I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you can’t have anymore food and I’m just never ready for that kind of commitment

kiodi:

my last word will probably be either “whoops” or “shit”

queefilicious:

sharing an umbrella with someone seems cute but in practice it is 100% horrible and you both end up getting angry and wet

suspend:

i want kids but im scared they’ll blame me if theyre ugly

terufrying:

"gays will push their sexuality onto their children"

funny because that’s exactly what every straight person does.

ernbarassing:

If one of my favorite singers crowd surfed at a concert I would just carry them away to my house

clarabooty:

and then satan said “let there be a skip limit and no back button on 8tracks”